My Nightmare

The other night I had a very vivid dream that still makes me shudder thinking about it.
In the dream, I was nervous because for the first time, I was going out in public alone with the two boys. I put Noah in a little umbrella stroller and I left Jake buckled into his car seat. I tried to lug them both around, but pushing the stroller while carrying the carseat was impossible. So every few steps, I had to set Jake down on the pavement, push the stroller a few yards, and then leave the stroller and go back to get Jake. It was an exhausting process. Not to mention dangerous, because we were surrounded by crowds of strangers and to get to where we were going, we had to cross busy streets. Each time I left one of the boys to get the other, I was nervous something horrible would happen. Sure enough, at one point, I went back to get the carseat, and Jake was missing. Panic set in and I started crying and running around campus frantically. I went to the police station, and when I walked in, I saw a lady holding Jake. I felt so relieved. But the police wouldn't let me have him, they told me I had to go to the Division of Child and Family Services. I knew from my Social Work background, this was a bad sign. When I walked into the office, the worker told me that this was obviously a case of child neglect. She told me the Child Protective Services would have to do an exhaustive investigation, with interviews and background checks and "it would be months before I got my child back, IF I got my child back". I started sobbing and I got down on my knees and pleaded for another chance. After a few minutes of my hysterical pleas for mercy, she instructed me to sign a form, pledging that I would never neglect my child again, and since this was a first time offense, they would give me my baby back. I kept crying, but it was out of relief. I thanked the worker over and over again, still sobbing, and the last thing I said before waking up was "My children are my greatest blessings!"

What a nightmare. It doesn't take a psychotherapist to reveal the interpretation of that dream. I have found that balancing two children can get tricky. Today is Kyle's first day back at work--after our long summer of two full-time parents, I am now alone with the two boys. I'm not going to lie, it is a little scary. And so after that dream, I just don't think the three of us will be venturing out in public any time soon! And when I work up the courage to do it, I'm pretty sure I will be bringing a double stroller.